oh autocorrect, how you complete me .. and my thoughts

what i intended to text:
“stop insinuating”

what autocorrect decided i meant:
“stop inseminating”

death.

as someone wise once said, “life is too long”. morbid, right? but why does it have to be. it’s something we all face - some sooner than others. it’s always been a frightening topic for me to think about and / or discuss until recently. i am happy in life and love. though not perfect by any means, happy nonetheless. though it still makes me cringe, i am at a stage in my life where death is a responsibility i must face head on and, in a way, plan for. that said - until my final will is in order, these are my wishes:

*there’s no crying in baseball and there’s to be no crying at my rest. well, maybe a little, but i want tears of laughter and joy. i want my life to have been something to celebrate. after all, my life insurance plan(s) should leave everyone somewhat happy.

*no funeral homes. no traditional cemeteries. i wish to be buried naturally back into the earth to be a part of nature’s rebirth of something new. sounds a little hippie to many i am sure, but it’s my wish. i don’t want to be laid in some depressing cemetery plot among so many chemically-altered mummies. no disrespect of course, just not my way of moving on. my cousin turned me on to this incredible site that works throughout and promotes a sustainable ‘afterlife’. by all means, check it out: http://naturalburial.coop/about-natural-burial/

*no traditional wakes. i want a party where everyone in attendance (above the age of 21) is required to take a shot of mezcal. not just any but: del maguey single village mezcals chichicapa special cask finish. 100 bottle release so get on it. there is a saying attributed to oaxaca (where mezcal originates) regarding the drink: “para todo mal, mezcal, y para todo bien también” (for everything bad, mezcal, and for everything good, as well.) how appropriate. there are a couple of rituals associated with taking a shot of mezcal. one is saying “arriba, abajo, al centro y pa ´dentro”, (up, down, center and in) before the first shot. the other involves spilling a small portion onto the ground as an offering to the mayahuel, the goddess of maguey and the fertility of the earth. also very appropriate. some say that mezcal is often considered an aphrodisiac, which just furthers my request that everyone indulge since i want lots of love as opposed to sadness.

*bury me in something pretty that will decompose just as naturally as i will. something dainty, girly. flowers that will symbolize my life, my loves. orchids perhaps. while beautiful, they require love and attention, admiration and commitment.

*music must fill the air. lots of music. otis, etta, dylan. rock ‘n roll - real rock. whitney, tina, aretha. soul. dance. yes, lots of dancing - cut from that one scene in dirty dancing. you know, the one where all the dancers have come together to “shake it up baby” and no one even takes notice of baby carrying the watermelon. yes. that kind of mindless dancing. and if you must play any downtempo music i’ll allow the beatles’ “let it be” or alison krauss’ “down to the river to pray”. if i choose to add any others i’ll include them in the final draft of my lw & t.

*i’ve always loved cedar. if they would allow me to be buried in it, the hope chest my grandmother gave me before she passed away is what i’d choose. it is my most precious belonging. my second option, should i have children and choose to pass on the hope chest to my very own, would be the dresser that i now own that belonged to my parents. it is a reminder of where i came from, however broken it may have been. love conquers all and i am lucky to receive it on both ends.

*i want a stone with my initials hand-engraved to lie on the ground above my resting place. i also wish for a tree to be planted with yet another stone quoting a piece of one of my favorite pieces of literature:
“all that is gold does not glitter,
not all those who wander are lost;
the old that is strong does not wither,
deep roots are not reached by the frost.”
— j.r.r. tolkien

these are my wishes thus far. my crazy, always-changing, indecisive mind may wander further but for now .. please heed my instructions and all will be well. or i’ll come back from the dead as that annoying bird that lives just outside each of your windows and sing you into some kinda crazy. don’t doubt me.

the end. well, not yet, but just in case.

dog vs kid

fact: if i had to choose between dog puke or kid puke - kid puke all day.

New York Yankees

Last time the Yankees started out 0 - 3 was 1998. All they did that year was win 125 games … and the World Series.

P.S. I was a Yankees fan before the Rays even existed. Bite me.

get mad.

the last week(s) in a word: crazy. ok, let’s face it - me trying to cap anything in one word is like asking a kid not to run amuck in a toy store. unlikely. but then again, crazy does cover it. the word ‘crazy’ implies a lot of things. in a nutshell.

DISCLAIMER: this post has nothing to do with politics, social issues or anything else related. it is strictly personal experience due to the misfortune of having said bullshitters surrounding my work and personal experiences in life. i happen to be a very passionate, loving person. that is, until i finally reach a breaking point, at which time i put my foot down and take no more. then i kick some ass with some words, though small words so they have no problems understanding. one would hope anyway.

i am amazed at how some people make it through life on a daily basis. not even because they are just dumb, ignorant, disrespectful or even undeserving but also because of how selfish they are, showing no regard for others. amazed. at this age, while many are still growing into their big boy, big girl panties, you would think most are at least responsible enough to manage their own lives. negative. i keep hearing that it will all catch up to them someday, and perhaps that is true, but why do we cut slack for them? why are we - well me - somehow still paying for their lack of responsibility? i work hard, every single day. do i have it all? no, but i get it done. i don’t feel the need to bullshit my way through anything. i go about life in a mostly honest way (not even i am perfect). i don’t meddle in other people’s business. i treat people fairly. i don’t steal. i pay for my mistakes. i love wholeheartedly. i don’t take advantage. i respect others. i appreciate everything and everyone. i do all the things I was taught as a child in order to live a healthy life. is that the problem? are some just neglected an upbringing that teaches respect? responsibility? even so, there are plenty of things my parents never prepared me for, however i still managed to educate myself through it. or is it laziness? maybe these people got used to just getting by, realizing that there are things they could leave unfinished knowing someone else would get the job done for them.

regardless, i am annoyed. i am so irritated that my generally ‘just let it roll off the shoulders’ attitude is being haunted by thoughts of various other actions. i am tired of taking it easy on people because of their less fortunate situations. we all have problems. we all experience the same misfortunes, the same struggles, the same obstacles. maybe to a different degree, but that doesn’t mean we deserve any less. most of the situations these bullshitters are in are because they got themselves there.

ohh you ate too much? to the point where you weigh 347 pounds? ok, maybe you should try moderation. exercise even.

ohh you don’t have money to pay your bills or feed your kids? hmm, maybe you should have thought twice about using that money to feed your drug habit instead.

ohh, your friends aren’t speaking to you anymore? yeah, maybe you shouldn’t have neglected them or used them for getting just what you need.

ohh, you say that bridge is burned? well, maybe you shouldn’t have started the fire.

ohh, you’re in the hospital because your husband nearly beat the life out of you? you should have left 3 black eyes ago.

forgive me, but i really think people just need to hear the truth sometimes .. hell, all the time.

there are three types of people who will finish reading this feeling angry.
1. those that failed to read my disclaimer.
2. the bullshitters to which i am referring.
3. the hard-working, deserving individuals who are also tired of having to witness said bullshitters breezing their way through life without appropriately meeting consequence.

grow up. you are responsible for your own happiness. i sure as hell don’t have it all, but am i happy with myself at the end of the day? yep. grow some mental age and accept responsibility. if you don’t, karma is one mean girl that will never forget you.

adult guidelines for trying to feel like a kid again

aging. we all are victims of it - unless you’ve somehow discovered never-never land. doubtful. life can be stressful and we can sometimes forget what it was like to be a kid, but i have recently discovered several ways to bring those feelings back thanks to hanging with some really cool munchkins.

-jump on a trampoline.
*warning: may result in achy or broken bones, but fun nonetheless.

-play in a sprinkler and / or kiddie pool.
*warning: objects may appear larger out of water.

-swing on a swing set.
*warning: despite the appearance of how sturdy something looks, there is more than likely still a weight limit.

-eat a popsicle as it melts in the sun.
*warning: don’t wear anything you don’t want stains on.

-build a fort.
*no warning. forts are awesome.

-lay on the ground and stare at the clouds.
*warning: ants don’t discriminate against age.

-catch ladybugs.
*yeah, it wasn’t exactly on my list but when you’re trying to convince a 4 year old they won’t hurt you .. well, you have to suck it up.

-assign yourself a superhero name.
*i am she-ra. duh.

-run around barefoot in the grass.
*pop an allegra-d and watch out for dog poop.

-climb up to the top of the swing set and pretend you’re navigating a pirate ship.
*warning: there’s no rum.

-eat blue cereal.
*warning: the crash from the sugar rush in addition to playing like a kid will leave you a little tired.

.. and finally

-laugh at the word ‘toot’.
*it’s an all-around crowd pleaser.

who needs video games. walk outside. enjoy.