William Blake said “A truth that’s told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent.” I don’t believe any truth should be told with bad intent, but intent to clear a path for revealing deceit.
I have always had a sharp tongue. My philosophy is that people should always be aware of where you stand, otherwise you will lose your place. Sometimes a blessing and sometimes a curse, my intuition holds very strong. I rarely offer my thoughts, rather wait for them to be requested though provocation can sometimes be an intimidating visitor.
With a role bearing some authority and standing it is my responsibility to choose my words wisely, a task that proves more difficult than imagined. I have always had the freedom to let my words flow through my fingertips, but as it turns out people are incredibly sensitive - especially to the truth.
Few to none accept any responsibility for their actions. We live in a society where so much is taken for granted. People lie to get what they want, to intentionally hurt people and then expect pity. Well, the ‘woe is me’ act is far beyond it’s expiration date.
I was taught to take life seriously, but to have fun while doing so. I read that “some say you only live once, but really you live every day and only die once so make the best of it.” That speaks a lot of truth. Do you really want to look back on your life, realize the reason you were so miserable and lonely was because your entire life was a lie?
I care little what people think of me. I care a lot about what I think of myself. I struggle with confidence, as do many but a lot of that is trying to avoid becoming completely consumed with myself. Confidence is good, cockiness is petulant.
I come from old roots. Those roots are pretty grounded, but as any healthy one does - they grow, at least some. I am fortunate to have parents, siblings and friends that love and appreciate my individuality. I have a strong sense of commitment to those I love. My thoughts and beliefs are my own and do not reflect any but my own. We all come from somewhere, but we all have a responsibility to grow on our own. We cannot be allowed to place that responsibility on who and what we are from, but upon ourselves because we all have a choice, choices. We choose to take the paths we take. There are and always will be temptations and influences that will try to sway our deepest wants and needs but those of us that stand tall and fight our way through will prove to be most successful in life and love.
As I have said before I am not a ‘political’ person, but I am passionate about the causes closest to my heart. I choose not to say ill of any person and choose to fight for what I believe in.
Like many things in life, people fall prey to the hype, to what’s ‘popular’ and to what is expected of them. I have offended many people in my 30 years, but without intention. It is those who are insecure in their own thoughts, beliefs and actions that take any difference of opinion to another level and make it about themselves. Though, a guilty mind sees what it wants to see …
I have not a guilty mind but a strong conscience. I am emotional at times, but it is only because I care so much for those I love, and for matters close to my heart. Though I am nowhere near perfect (thank goodness) I am thankful for the ability to see so clearly the line between right and wrong. I know when to fight and when to take a step in the other direction. I know who I am, where I am from and though I may not know where exactly my future will take me I know that it is in a direction of hope and good things. I live my life as honestly as I can and it feels good, great. There are no lies, no stories I have to keep fresh in my brain. There are only memories, dreams and love.
Say what you will about me, but doing so will only say more than enough about you.
“You either like me or you don’t. It took me twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don’t have that kinda time to convince somebody else.” ~ Daniel Franzese (Bully, Mean Girls)
being completely exhausted, yet not being able to sleep.
as humans we are tasked with making decisions throughout our entire lives - whether it be from the moment we open our eyes and decide to crawl out of bed or roll over and reach around the person we love to more daunting things such as how we wish to be buried. some choices tend to be more conscious than others and circumstances may regulate ultimatums, but those which we should narrow our focus are the ones that revolve around being ultimately good or evil.
everyone struggles. we all have our weaknesses, but we need to remember that while some appear to be okay the reality for them could be quite different. my parents taught me to always be kind and reach out - my grandparents were even better examples of that. i tend to take better care of the people i love than i do myself, and not for the sake of being a martyr but to remind them of how special they are and what love they deserve. evoking happiness in turn makes me happy. i extend a portion of the same compassion to those i am less close to. the result, while mostly an abundance of gratefulness and warm sentiments, can sometimes be received in a most spiteful and ungrateful way. it is discouraging to make such an effort and sacrifice when the return cannot be met with, at the very least, a mild appreciation. and yet i keep trying.
if your goals in life and the things that make you ‘happy’ come at the expense of hurting others then you have already failed at life. what may be fun and recreational for you could potentially be detrimental to others. humans are so selfish and it is our individual responsibility to make the effort to be selfless.
i pity those with ill intentions, as they will never be truly happy.
for the record: they don’t pair well together. not the worst morning, but definitely uncomfortable. i’d like to thank my man friend for his generosity - buying everyone shots of tequila - but in lieu of the aftermath i might just karate chop him later on.
here’s the deal: it’s been like an incredibly whirlwindish month. so much has happened. i had to say goodbye to my fancy little cottage in the pseudo-burbs (holy long story) but moved into a sweet little condo with my bff. [ok other bff’s, cool your shorts. you haven’t been replaced.] i have been working my tail off - literally. it’s like gone. my boobs got published. no lie. i got to see a dear friend from high school for the first time in several years. [hey dest] i experienced atlanta food & wine fest firsthand. went to visit my mom. while there also saw my grandparents and aunt. went to asheville and wined & dined. spent a fortune on my car only to find out the real problem will cost $2,300. made decision to get rid of said car. georgia now thinks her name is ‘no’. had a snake want to murder me dead. met new friends that are cooler than your friends. drank a lot of expensive beer and wine. learned to eat onions - as long as they’re cooked to death. spent time w my beast while he was on hiatus from the big apple. ate nana’a mac & cheese. went dairy-free the next day. baked my bourbon-soaked peach crumble about 7 times. eaten bourbon-soaked peaches. drank bourbon. accidentally flashed someone during a facetime convo. facetimed w bff mel - and no, she was not the recipient of said flash. discovered a new trick on instagram. recited the pledge of allegiance in french [thanks mr. mckee] dreamt about pregnancy. calm down. it wasn’t me. discovered why tv’s shouldn’t be in the bedroom. gave georgia a sister. sort of. realized karma doesn’t work as quickly as i want it to. but it will. i have faith. so y’all watch out - she’s coming. came to terms w the fact that maturity is a choice and people aren’t choosing wisely. respect is a rare jewel. daydreamed about punching a few people in the face. and yes, in my head, violence solved everything. discovered georgia will literally eat anything - styrofoam packing peanuts included. not all pitt bulls are scary. not all people love dogs. weirdos. thought about getting a pocket pet. it’ll happen, just when ga chills out a bit. lost an uncle. said some naughty things. had sunday lunches at cousin’s. played w some of the coolest munchkins ever. hurt my neck jumping on a trampoline. i’m almost 30 - things don’t bend as easily as they did 12 years ago. had asparagus pee. photobombed everyone w an abundance of our darling puppies. woken up in dress from night before [current situation]. missed a lot of people. heard some awesome rumors about myself in a town where I keep a low profile. found a new post-work friday hang spot: the owl. it’s incredible. watermelon old fashioned? yes please. grown to respect and love my bosses even more. they’re awesome people. created some new cocktails. snooped through my roomie’s drawers. given great life advice that i should probably take myself. gosh, there’s just so much. i want to go on, but i have kids that need feeding and more than likely they need to potty.
it’s been real. i’ve missed you. this. getting my groove back.
see you soon.
as someone wise once said, “life is too long”. morbid, right? but why does it have to be. it’s something we all face - some sooner than others. it’s always been a frightening topic for me to think about and / or discuss until recently. i am happy in life and love. though not perfect by any means, happy nonetheless. though it still makes me cringe, i am at a stage in my life where death is a responsibility i must face head on and, in a way, plan for. that said - until my final will is in order, these are my wishes:
*there’s no crying in baseball and there’s to be no crying at my rest. well, maybe a little, but i want tears of laughter and joy. i want my life to have been something to celebrate. after all, my life insurance plan(s) should leave everyone somewhat happy.
*no funeral homes. no traditional cemeteries. i wish to be buried naturally back into the earth to be a part of nature’s rebirth of something new. sounds a little hippie to many i am sure, but it’s my wish. i don’t want to be laid in some depressing cemetery plot among so many chemically-altered mummies. no disrespect of course, just not my way of moving on. my cousin turned me on to this incredible site that works throughout and promotes a sustainable ‘afterlife’. by all means, check it out: http://naturalburial.coop/about-natural-burial/
*no traditional wakes. i want a party where everyone in attendance (above the age of 21) is required to take a shot of mezcal. not just any but: del maguey single village mezcals chichicapa special cask finish. 100 bottle release so get on it. there is a saying attributed to oaxaca (where mezcal originates) regarding the drink: “para todo mal, mezcal, y para todo bien también” (for everything bad, mezcal, and for everything good, as well.) how appropriate. there are a couple of rituals associated with taking a shot of mezcal. one is saying “arriba, abajo, al centro y pa ´dentro”, (up, down, center and in) before the first shot. the other involves spilling a small portion onto the ground as an offering to the mayahuel, the goddess of maguey and the fertility of the earth. also very appropriate. some say that mezcal is often considered an aphrodisiac, which just furthers my request that everyone indulge since i want lots of love as opposed to sadness.
*bury me in something pretty that will decompose just as naturally as i will. something dainty, girly. flowers that will symbolize my life, my loves. orchids perhaps. while beautiful, they require love and attention, admiration and commitment.
*music must fill the air. lots of music. otis, etta, dylan. rock ‘n roll - real rock. whitney, tina, aretha. soul. dance. yes, lots of dancing - cut from that one scene in dirty dancing. you know, the one where all the dancers have come together to “shake it up baby” and no one even takes notice of baby carrying the watermelon. yes. that kind of mindless dancing. and if you must play any downtempo music i’ll allow the beatles’ “let it be” or alison krauss’ “down to the river to pray”. if i choose to add any others i’ll include them in the final draft of my lw & t.
*i’ve always loved cedar. if they would allow me to be buried in it, the hope chest my grandmother gave me before she passed away is what i’d choose. it is my most precious belonging. my second option, should i have children and choose to pass on the hope chest to my very own, would be the dresser that i now own that belonged to my parents. it is a reminder of where i came from, however broken it may have been. love conquers all and i am lucky to receive it on both ends.
*i want a stone with my initials hand-engraved to lie on the ground above my resting place. i also wish for a tree to be planted with yet another stone quoting a piece of one of my favorite pieces of literature:
“all that is gold does not glitter,
not all those who wander are lost;
the old that is strong does not wither,
deep roots are not reached by the frost.”
— j.r.r. tolkien
these are my wishes thus far. my crazy, always-changing, indecisive mind may wander further but for now .. please heed my instructions and all will be well. or i’ll come back from the dead as that annoying bird that lives just outside each of your windows and sing you into some kinda crazy. don’t doubt me.
the end. well, not yet, but just in case.
1. tender, passionate affection
2. strong personal liking
3. person toward whom love is felt
It seems rather trivial to look to a dictionary to define something that should be felt; defined by the deep-rooted emotion within each of us. We feel it differently. We express it differently.
Love. What is it exactly that drives us to crave such a thing so desperately? That desperation often leads us to false feelings of love, feelings that are closer related to lust. Feelings of discontent. The desire to love eventually takes control and causes us to miss a real opportunity for a true love to find its way.
I have loved, each in their own way. But how do we differentiate the kind of love we feel for say a friend or a relative, a lover? Simply put: we don’t. True love allows us to feel the difference. When I love, I love with my whole heart. Love is not a word or a phrase I take lightly. It’s not a lighthearted greeting, a friendly salutation. Love is everything.
Hopeless romantic or not I respect love. I respect the tradition. I respect the power it can create. The power of emotion and awareness it can awaken.
I spent many years searching for a love that powerful. With a slew of let-downs and turmoil I never gave up hope - though I did finally level with myself, therefore forcing me to be okay with the idea of being alone. Alone because I believe it is better to love yourself wholly than allow someone to love you less than what you truly deserve.
Love is funny. Unpredictable. After a short time living true to my new philosophy, love found me. We found each other. It’s exhilarating, spontaneous, spiritual. It’s honest. No apologies. No boundaries. It’s intoxicating.
It’s worth every heartache and failed attempt - though there is no failure concerning love. Without each and every attempt we wouldn’t know our heart’s truest desire, its undeniable worth.
Love is an idea that few too many are able to see through. Love does prevail. It can always surprise you .. if you let it.
You reach a certain age and wonder if a sense of true happiness will ever find its way to you. Just when you are about to hit the bottom, before the inevitable mental re-boot, a glimmer seeps through the window to your heart and eventually reaches your soul. With the notion that everything has an expiration date, you can all but dwell on what may come. You live in the moment and soak up every drop of happy. Songs make you smile instead of cry. Sunrises and sunsets are precious moments that require nothing more than gratefulness. You thank whomever or whatever you believe in for all that has led to that very moment.
We tend to question everything, shading us from a chance at genuine splendor. While I say “question your doubts” never question your gut. In those moments of insecurity we miss out on someone or something that has the potential to be truly incredible. Take life by its measly little balls and make it known that you are here to live your life, and not just live but get a little dirty in the process. Take chances. Feel everything. When it comes to a choice between “what if” or lay it all on the line - risk it all. Be a lover. Be a friend. Be a romantic. Just be, and be good.
Such a complex word these days. When exactly did we lose grip of it’s true meaning? When did life get so complicated? And will it ever go back?
I’ve told the story many times .. me, sitting on a beach in a far-off country, watching the sun go down and wishing I could stay there forever. A moment that changed me as a person, after questioning my life and where it was headed. Here I am, 7 years later and so much has changed. I have moved more times than years that have passed, exhausted several relationships, had so many amazing experiences, met so many wonderful people and transitioned into a blossoming new lifestyle - a natural lifestyle.
It is true what they say about time complicating things, but it seems that we are the only ones to blame. We have allowed money, power, greed, technology and ‘accessories’ to life take over. Our needs have been replaced with wants and we really have no idea what self-reliance is.
Thankfully I am coming to terms with the definition of simple and rapidly becoming reacquainted. I have almost hit my 3 week mark as a vegan. Though I did my fair share of research beforehand, it’s only in the past few weeks that I have really begun to grasp on to this clean and natural way of life. I have combined my vegan standards with a macrobiotic plan that is centered around whole grains and vegetables. I have replaced all sugars with agave and brown rice syrup; said “bye bye” to processed foods and nothing that has to be preserved in any way is welcome in the kitchen. Eventually I will be all-organic as well. I grow as much as I can and what I can’t find in the garden or from a local farmer I depend on my neighborhood Whole Foods. God love ‘em. I swear I have never been to another grocer where the staff is always checking in and so knowledgeable about the products they carry. No offense Publix. I mean, you’ll always be in my heart but Whole Foods take the crown in the kingdom of groceries.
I am going a touch off-subject but it’s what I do and I’ll eventually get back .. I made a comment in passing to my dear cousin the other day regarding fruit and how we should only eat what is in season and grown in the climate we live in. She asked me about what I meant and why that is to which I put it this way: Fruits from the tropics wouldn’t be ideal for a body experiencing, say, snow or sleet - as it would cool it off too much. On a really hot day a piece of pineapple would be great, but no fruit from a climate opposite your own is good for every day consumption. I got this from one of my many books, which also notes that fruit should be ‘treats’. Moderation is key. We began to elaborate in conversation and it was understood how that made sense and how funny it is how our bodies do things naturally at times. For instance, in the fall we typically crave hearty stews and soups loaded with autumn veggies while in the summer we think about fruits and grilling - and this was a perfect segway into the topic of simplicity.
We started talking about our Grandmother. She was such an amazing woman. Mother to 8 children, wife for more than 60 years and a grandmother to dozens of grand and great-grandchildren. More than that she was a simple woman. She provided a wonderful life for all who knew her. The most extravagant thing about her was her ability to love. She made her children share rooms and going out to eat was a treat, not because they couldn’t afford it but because quality time together was what made her quality of life last for so many years. My cousin said that “Happiness is in the simplicity of just being and enjoying life and I think she (Grandmother) understood that … maybe many people from that time did.” It’s true.
You hear your parents talk about how life was when they were kids and even now I often think back to when I was a child and how my parents tried to instill in my sister and I the same appreciation of the ‘simple things’. Going out to eat was a treat for us as well. It was usually after church on Sundays. We had a home-cooked meal every night which we ate TOGETHER as a family. My dad would make homemade ice cream with fresh fruit and my sister and I would be so amazed that he could do that. We were content sitting in his lap watching the silly thing churn and we loved to be the one to add the salt or ice, or even to taste test the final product. We were only allowed an hour of tv and we couldn’t wait to get outside and play in the sandbox or on the swingset. Of course things changed, not that it was my parents’ fault just that time changed things.
Time. Silly word. We are always so concerned with time. Being on time; setting the time ahead a few minutes to give ourselves an edge (or so we think); how it goes by so quickly .. so much talk about time. It is inevitable I suppose, but it is indeed time that complicates things. Times changes. When I think of my happiest - truly happy - moments they are of when I am either sitting around with friends, with family sitting down TOGETHER for meals and game nights - even movies, and those moments alone I take for myself whether it be for meditation, music or just some quiet time to think. Of course I want a lot out of life, but I want it to come from doing things I love, like cooking or helping others. Simple makes me happy.
I talk of cooking, and even in cooking our senses have long been deceived with overpowering spices and salts; so much so that we have forgotten how things should taste - just like we have forgotten what quality time together is and getting out and enjoying what the Earth has to offer without paying a fortune for it. Don’t get me wrong I love a good day at a theme park, museum or gallery but I want it to be a treasure like eating out was when I was growing up. I want to put those things back in the category of ‘looking forward to’ instead of the ‘oh yeah, been there done that but I’ll do it again’.
My conservative friends back home give me a hard time for some of the changes I have made in my life and it’s true that part of me has gone a little hippie, but I am happy. I feel that with every move I have made I have lost a lot of things, but they are indeed just things. When I moved back from Los Angeles, I left about 75% of my belongings with a ‘friend’ back West. Long story short, this ‘friend’ took the money I sent for shipping all of my things and ran with it. We are talking jewelry, clothes, shoes, pictures, trinkets, keepsakes and housewares. Like I said though, they were just things. Here I am almost 4 years later, I have no idea where my things are and I am surviving. It makes me sad to think about a few of my treasured things I lost, but there is nothing I can do about it which means I have no business worrying about it. I think my point is that my load, so to speak, has gotten lighter. I don’t have a lot of excess, therefore my life feels cleaner and more open. It feels simple. I enjoy taking walks, hiking in the mountains, spending time with friends and family, reading books, cooking, writing. All of these simple things and I am thriving.
So when did things get so complicated? When we allowed time to take over; and will it ever go back to the way it was? Only if we make it happen, which is why I have already started doing my part. True happiness is what we make it, and it is that simple.